The Ride Across Lake Constance and Other Plays Read online

  (Finally they calm down. Only BERGNER is still playing with her handbag and does not know where to put it.)

  VON STROHEIM

  Why don’t you leave it on your lap?

  JANNINGS

  Having something on your lap is most pleasant.

  GEORGE

  (It occurred to him simultaneously.) … something on your lap is most pleasant. (They laugh.) In your lap you have the most pleasant feeling for something.

  PORTEN

  (It occurred to her too, but a little later.) In your lap you have the most pleasant feeling for something. (They all laugh. BERGNER cautiously puts the handbag on her lap, and with little wiggling movements puts herself into a comfortable position in the fauteuil. She emits a small sound.

  All of them try what it is like to have things on one’s lap, are satisfied, and put the things back in their places. PORTEN shows her naked arm to VON STROHEIM.) You see, I’ve got goose pimples.

  VON STROHEIM

  Are you … Do you feel—(He stops in time.) So you have goose pimples, do you? (He laughs.)

  (All laugh as if it were an unpleasant memory. )

  PORTEN

  Yes, I simply have goose pimples.

  (Pause. JANNINGS pulls something out of his upholstered seat. He holds it up and shows it to GEORGE. At the same time, as if unintentionally, with the index finger of the other hand he elongates one eye. GEORGE ignores that, bends toward what JANNINGS has in his hand. )

  VON STROHEIM

  (Also turns his head toward JANNINGS. In a playful mood) You have something there. What is it? Nothing special, I assume? Nothing worth mentioning, I hope. There’s no need to talk about it, is there?

  (BERGNER and PORTEN turn their heads slightly too, but look away again immediately.)

  JANNINGS

  A pin. (They all look at it, as though surprised. )

  VON STROHEIM

  A pin? You don’t mean “the pin”?

  JANNINGS

  The very one.

  PORTEN

  And it really exists? It isn’t merely a figure of speech?

  JANNINGS

  Here, see for yourself.

  (He hands the pin to GEORGE, who hands it to VON STROHEIM very matter-of-factly, who hands it to PORTEN. )

  PORTEN

  It has all turned out to be true. Not even the ruby-red pinhead is missing. It has all come true.

  VON STROHEIM

  Did you dream about it?

  PORTEN

  Someone mentioned it in the dream. (She hands the pin to BERGNER.) When I saw the pin just now, I remembered it again. And I had thought it was also only just another word.

  GEORGE

  Once someone told me about a corpse with a pinhead-sized wound on his neck. (Pause.) (To JANNINGS) Did you tell me about that?

  JANNINGS

  I can’t remember. But when you started telling the story, it seemed familiar to me, too.

  GEORGE

  No, it was a movie. (Pause.) It was thundering and at the same time fog banks on the village street …

  BERGNER

  Should I drop it?

  (They all become quiet and do not move. She drops the pin.)

  GEORGE

  (Negates the effect by speaking again too soon.) Children with lumps of plaster on their eyes—(He breaks off, but it is already too late. However, they only smile, leave the pin where it fell.)

  VON STROHEIM

  I already told you the story about the lake?

  PORTEN

  No.

  (He looks at BERGNER: she shakes her head tenderly.)

  JANNINGS

  (Simultaneously) No.

  VON STROHEIM

  Then I probably only thought of it.

  PORTEN

  Does it have anything to do with the pin?

  VON STROHEIM

  I was sitting by a lakeshore in the morning and the lake was sparkling. Suddenly I noticed: the lake is sparkling. It is really sparkling.

  (Pause.)

  PORTEN

  Something similar happened to me one time when someone told me that his pockets were empty. “My pockets are empty!” I didn’t believe him and he turned his pockets inside out. They really were empty. Incredible!

  (GEORGE takes a cigar out of the cigar box, then offers the box to JANNINGS, who takes out a cigar. GEORGE strikes a match and hands it to JANNINGS; he lights his cigar and blows out the match. GEORGE lights himself another match.

  VON STROHEIM takes the red cloth from the table, jumps up with it, walks around with it, shakes it as if he wants to demonstrate it to them. They bend forward, inspect. VON STROHEIM looks around triumphantly. They nod, shake their heads surprised, laugh with delight, slap their thighs with laughter. Exclamations such as “A red cloth, indeed!” “No doubt about it!” “Lupus in fabula,” “Talk of the devil!” “Atlantis has reappeared!”

  VON STROHEIM stands in front of the others like a magician. He turns all his pockets inside out very fast—the pockets are very wide and light-colored—and strikes a pose. PORTEN applauds vigorously. VON STROHEIM, as magician, takes off his smoking jacket in a jiffy, turns it over, and already has put it back on. )

  JANNINGS

  (Enthusiastically) So it is true! (VON STROHEIM produces a small imitation of a rolling pin out of his pocket, which is now the magician’s pocket. JANNINGS exclaiming so that the cigar drops out of his mouth) Not only in jokes then! (GEORGE hands him the cigar. JANNINGS wipes the ash off his knees, stops suddenly, notices what he is doing, continues cleaning in a merry ritual. ) Ash on my suit! When I tell about that, no one will believe me. (They all laugh. VON STROHEIM conjures up the magician’s magic cloth, a flag in colors that do not signify a particular country. He blows briskly on the flag, making it flutter.) Indeed, it flutters! The flag flutters! (VON STROHEIM stashes the things into his pockets, becomes an actor: he walks to the bar, takes out a bottle, fondles it, then supports himself backward with one hand on the table. JANNINGS calmly translates this for GEORGE.) He is fondling the bottle and supporting himself with his hand on the table. (VON STROHEIM moves to the side of the table, dangles the bottle by the neck, and begins to squint. JANNINGS to GEORGE) He is holding the bottle by the neck and squinting. (VON STROHEIM puts the bottle back and moves through the room with hunched shoulders, making an unnecessarily wide curve around each object but at the same time scrutinizing each.) He hunches his shoulders, looks at the objects, yet makes a curve around them.

  VON STROHEIM

  (Returns to the table. As a teacher) And now to the practical application: someone fondles an object or leans against it?

  GEORGE

  The proprietor.

  VON STROHEIM

  Someone moves with hunched shoulders among objects, makes a curve around them?

  GEORGE

  The guest.

  VON STROHEIM

  Someone who is squinting holds an object in his hand?

  GEORGE

  The thief.

  JANNINGS

  Someone fondles an object because it belongs to him. Because someone fondles an object, does it belong to him?

  VON STROHEIM

  Unless you prove the opposite.

  JANNINGS

  Someone with an object in his hand begins to squint. Because he has stolen it?

  VON STROHEIM

  Unless he proves his innocence.

  JANNINGS

  Someone suddenly puckers up his mouth and nose. (He shows how.) Because he’s afraid and a coward?

  VON STROHEIM

  Unless his actions prove the opposite.

  JANNINGS

  But if there’s nothing to do?

  VON STROHEIM

  What else would he be afraid of?

  JANNINGS

  I don’t understand that.

  VON STROHEIM

  What you’re sitting on is an easy chair, isn’t it?

  JANNINGS

  Yes.

  VON STROHEIM

 
Or is it perhaps a life preserver? (JANNINGS laughs at this extraordinary suggestion.) It seems just as ridiculous to you when I claim that you are sitting on a life preserver as it would to claim that someone’s mouth and nose pucker up (He imitates it.) because he feels like doing something.

  (Pause.)

  JANNINGS

  But an easy chair is an easy chair, and an expression (He makes one.) is an expression. How can the two be compared?

  VON STROHEIM

  I will demonstrate to you how one can. (Pause. They all wait. Pause. VON STROHEIM suddenly) What do you have in your mouth? (JANNINGS quickly takes the cigar out of his mouth and puts it out. VON STROHEIM smiles.) Why is your collar button open? (JANNINGS nimbly closes his collar button. ) You are so serious?

  (JANNINGS laughs resoundingly. Pause. Quiet. Pause.)

  JANNINGS

  (Softly) You have something on your nose.

  VON STROHEIM

  (Is about to wipe it off, hesitates, softly) You’ve understood?

  (Pause .)

  JANNINGS

  (Suddenly loud) You’re just standing there, please hand me the bottle. (VON STROHEIM plays along, hands him the bottle.) No, not that one, the other one! (He points.) No, not that one, one can’t ask for anything any more. Yes, that’s the one! (But he hands the bottle back to him at once.) Put it back in its place!

  VON STROHEIM

  (Like a teacher who is playing a student) Why?

  JANNINGS

  Because you took it from its place. (VON STROHEIM nods, puts the bottle back.) No, not there. Back in its place, I said. Over there, right.

  VON STROHEIM

  Why precisely there?

  JANNINGS

  Because that’s where it stood before. (VON STROHEIM nods.) Give me another bottle.

  VON STROHEIM

  Why?

  JANNINGS

  Because you gave me a bottle once before.

  VON STROHEIM

  That’s perfect! (He hands him the bottle.)

  JANNINGS

  You’re standing? (VON STROHEIM wants to sit down on a sofa.) Back in your place! (VON STROHEIM sits down in his place. Playfully JANNINGs assigns the following roles: he hits the bottle neck with a teaspoon: GEORGE gets up. JANNINGS without looking at him) Cartwheels! (GEORGE stands there.)

  VON STROHEIM

  (Prompts him.) Why?

  GEORGE

  Why?

  JANNINGS

  Because you did a cartwheel before! (Pause. GEORGE turns a cartwheel. JANNINGS hands him the magazine. GEORGE does not yet understand this language; he doesn’t know what to do with the magazine, glances into it. ) Hand it on.

  GEORGE

  Why?

  JANNINGS

  Didn’t you also hand on the pin before? (Pause. GEORGE hands the magazine to VON STROHEIM; he gives it back to GEORGE as if the pages were mixed up. GEORGE understands: he arranges the pages and hands the magazine back to VON STROHEIM, who puts it on the table. JANNINGS pulls the second red cloth from under the cutlery on the table and lets it drop. He points to it with the spoon. Pause.) Well?

  GEORGE

  Why?

  JANNINGS

  Didn’t you just do a cartwheel?

  GEORGE

  But how can you compare the two?

  JANNINGS

  For whom, then, did you do the cartwheel?

  GEORGE

  For you—(He hesitates.)

  JANNINGS

  “Of course” you wanted to say, right?

  GEORGE

  For you, of course.

  JANNINGS

  If you can do a cartwheel for me, you can also pick up a cloth for me.

  (Pause. )

  GEORGE

  (Wants to bend down for the cloth, hesitates.) But what if I don’t want to?

  JANNINGS

  Now it’s too late for that. All the time you did as I asked you to and never said anything. You were content until now or you would have said something. So why should you be dissatisfied now? You didn’t contradict me at any time. Why should you be allowed to contradict me now? No, what you utter now doesn’t count any more. Do as I say! (Pause. GEORGE picks up the cloth, wants to hand it to JANNINGS, who doesn’t even bother to extend his hand, hesitates, lets it drop again “as if his hand has fallen asleep.” Pause. JANNINGS in a sensible tone of voice) Look at the others. (He turns his head to VON STROHEIM, then to PORTEN. VON STROHEIM goes at once with the guitar—which he takes out of the bag while walking—up to BERGNER, sits down behind her and quaintly strikes two soft chords. PORTEN sits down on JANNINGS’S knees and makes herself comfortable.) If they do as they’re told—why don’t you too?

  (Pause.)

  GEORGE

  But why do they do it?

  JANNINGS

  First obey. Then we can talk about it. (Pause. GEORGE hands him the cloth, which JANNINGS places picturesquely around PORTEN’S shoulders, and ties under her chin. To her) Well? (She kisses him without moving her head.) Now ask!

  GEORGE

  Why do they do that? Why do they listen to you?

  (VON STROHEIM strikes another quaint chord.)

  JANNINGS

  Because it is natural to them. They did it once without my saying anything while they were half asleep, or because it just happened like that. Then I said it and they did it again. Then they asked me: “May I do that for you?” and I said: “You shall!” And from then on they did it without my having to say anything. It had become the custom. I could point my foot at something and they would jump and get it. Nothing but laws of nature. People began to socialize with one another and it became the rule.

  BERGNER

  (On cue, as though talking in her sleep) How are you; I’m fine, thanks. (She sighs.)

  JANNINGS

  An order resulted; and for people to continue to socialize with one another, this order was made explicit: it was formulated. And once it had been formulated, people had to stick to it because, after all, they had formulated it. That’s natural, isn’t it? Say something! No, don’t say anything, I am speaking now. Don’t touch that, it’s mine! (He pushes a candlestick away.) Don’t dare to stare at it, it’s my property! What was I talking about? Help me! No, don’t say anything. About the laws of nature. (He takes an ashtray into his hand, then lets it drop. ) Just as this ashtray obeys the law of gravity, so you obey me. Well? (He points with his foot; GEORGE puts the ashtray back on the table. ) You see? Do you believe me now? No, don’t answer, I’ll answer for you. Yes, that business with the ashtray and the force of gravity is true enough, I can imagine your answer to be. Do you know what the difference is between you and me? (GEORGE laughs as though before a joke.) No, no joke: I can imagine you sometimes, you must imagine me always. Why aren’t you laughing? By the way, this reminds me of a real joke: what’s the man’s name who invented the chair? Well? Nothing? I’ll help you. What’s the man’s name who invented the Zeppelin? (Pause. He laughs invitingly.) You’re not laughing. O.K.! But I’ll make a note of it. Where was I? Hadn’t I asked you to remind me what else I wanted to talk about? Didn’t I see you nod? Then I only imagined that I saw you nod. Once I thought of a conversation I had with someone, and I remembered distinctly how he’d smiled when he answered me, and then it occurred to me that I had been talking to him on the telephone! The laws of nature! The trains! The ocean! He stood where you’re standing now! (GEORGE, startled, steps aside; JANNINGS bursts out laughing, again drops the ashtray. ) I’d like to pick it up for you, but I have to stick to what I said (To PORTEN ), don’t I? (She nods.) I can’t say something and then do the opposite of what I’ve said. Inconceivable! That would be a topsy-turvy world. Do you understand that? (PORTEN tries to reach backward for the ashtray.) Stop, that’s his job! (GEORGE puts the ashtray on the table, VON STROHEIM touches the guitar almost accidentally: a gentle chord.) So you understand. Just as the trains must obey a schedule so that there is no disorder, so you must obey me. That business with the trains and their schedule is pr
obably true, you say? I dare you to tell me that! Keep quiet? Answer! (GEORGE wants to speak.) Forget it! Like a maggot that crawls across one’s palm—no, that belongs somewhere else. The ocean! What are you thinking of just now? You can’t say it? Then you’re not thinking of anything. I once lived for some time by the ocean, and since I lived there, in what categories would you guess I began to think? In the categories of low and high tide! And that’s how it is generally: (As though to the audience) the manner in which one thinks is determined by the laws of nature! (Again to GEORGE) For example, since I’ve started taking walks through the woods, I always think at the sight of the weak and the strong in terms of the laws of nature. And since I learned to read menus—(He pushes PORTEN from his knees and she goes quickly to the sofa, cuddles up on it, and he looks toward her.)—I think about women, whether I want to or not, in the categories of hors d’oeuvre and main dish. (She looks at him, but one rather feels the look than actually sees it.) She doesn’t want it differently—ask her yourself. She’ll show you how. (He snaps his fingers at her and she responds.)