The Ride Across Lake Constance and Other Plays Read online

  on their way to the word help, the speakers repeatedly approach the proximate meaning or only the acoustic proximity of the sought-after word: the respective NO-response that greets each attempt also changes according to the degree of proximity; the formal tension of the speaking increases; the course that this tension prescribes resembles, say, the rising and falling decibel curve during a soccer match; the closer one team gets to the goal of the other, the more the spectator noise increases, dying off again after each unsuccessful or impeded attempt to score, then swelling again, etc., until the word HELP is found during the final onslaught; then pure joy reigns among the speakers.

  the spectators and listeners quickly recognize the speakers’ objective. however, should the spectators indicate to the speakers, as spectators are wont to during punch-and-judy shows, that they know what the speakers need, and should they shout HELP, in that event the speakers, like performers who are threatened by the crocodile in a punch-and-judy show, won’t understand what the spectators have in mind, but will understand the helpful shouts of HELP only as genuine distress calls, which only bother the speakers during their play. once the speakers have found the word help, it is repeated as a triumphant shout, so often that its meaning becomes an ovation to the word help. when the ovation becomes nearly unbearable, the mass chorus breaks off and a single speaker instantly speaks the word HELP by himself, neither expressing gladness with it nor that he is seeking help. the word HELP is uttered that way once.

  the speakers also may drink COCA-COLA at intervals.

  and in conclusion, while we think of all of you once more, we call on you and invite you to search with us for ways to mutual understanding, to deepened knowledge, to an open heart, to a fraternal life in the one truly world-embracing community of men: NO.

  immediately after the assassination the authorities employed all available means to obtain a clear picture of the murder: NO. don’t worry too much but enjoy the good times: NO. the claim that these persons were compelled to enter the plane is made up of thin air: NO. the dangers of missing the boat in one’s profession are minimal at present: NO. those who come after you also want to use the towel: NO. the cripple can’t be blamed for being a cripple: NO.

  someone has escaped from death row: NO. the head of state has placed a wreath in the name of all the people: NO. unemployment has continued to recede: NO. a few cracks have become visible in the ice: NO. the teacher has reprimanded the unruly student: NO. the high pressure system has moved farther east: NO. an old proverb has something to say: NO. the wounded man’s condition has changed for the worse recently: NO. the field marshal has led the courageous troops to victory: NO. silverware and plates have been made germfree: NO.

  the queen was wearing a new hat: NO. unknown person is accused of having tipped over several gravestones: NO. the actor swooned while onstage: NO. a moist lip was the motive for the murder: NO. the bones were laid to rest in complete silence: NO. workers at that time were living in inhuman conditions: NO. two nations are entering into a nonaggression pact: NO. the newspaper did not appear yesterday: NO. the moon moved between sun and earth precisely according to calculations: NO. the leader went on foot: NO.

  the first-class carriages can be found in the forward part of the train: NO. the mushrooms are no longer as poisonous once they have been cooked: NO. the family constitutes the germinal cell of the state: NO. the newspaper will be twice its usual size due to a special occasion: NO. everyone can eat his fill nowadays: NO. the trains go only as far as the border: NO. even the toughest cop goes soft at the sight of the empress: NO. the girl decorates the table with a rose: NO. due to constantly rising wages we find ourselves forced to announce a small price increase: NO. the king remains silent: NO. english is spoken here: NO. the farmer’s sister is in the woods: NO. knives forks scissors and matches are not for little children: NO. the bomb comes from the east: NO. what’s right must remain right: NO. our rooms are air-conditioned: NO. the father is working in the field: NO. whoever refuses to listen must be made to feel: NO.

  the price includes breakfast: NO. you have entered a restricted area: NO. the train will presumably arrive a few minutes late: NO. we thank you for your visit: NO. illegible requests will be denied: NO. enjoyed in moderate quantities, alcohol is not harmful: NO. have you renewed your driver’s license: NO. keep back, police regulations: NO. the missing-persons bureau of the red cross is looking for the following missing persons: NO. a high reward has been placed on the culprit’s head: NO. the last row must stay empty: NO. everyone is waiting for the game-ending whistle: NO. belated protests won’t be accepted: NO. please set the volume so that the noise will be confined to your room: NO. follow me unobtrusively please: NO. we wish you bon voyage: NO. there should be a death penalty for stealing food from little children: NO. show your hands: NO. green is good for your eyes: NO. the monarch is eager for reforms: NO. give me your i.d.: NO. anyone found on the street after dark will be shot: NO.

  beyond this point only at your own risk: NO. keep it warm: NO. tear off here: NO. delete what is inapplicable: NO. enter in back: NO. don’t eat for two hours: NO. show your tickets automatically: NO. push in the glass: NO. don’t disturb: NO. use the service entrance: NO. read the directions: NO. print in capitals: NO. pull in your head: NO. hold children by the hand: NO. keep the receipt: NO. turn the key twice: NO. don’t lose your head: NO. stay calm: NO. don’t move the accident victim: rro, don’t use spit as a spot remover: NO. be ready to show your i.d. cards: NO. go on: NO. don’t fold: NO. wipe your shoes: NO. transfer: NO. make room: NO. apply the tourniquet above the wound: NO. buy now: NO. NO. raise your arm: NO. wait for the official signal: NO. close the doors: NO. protect against sunlight: NO.

  in the name of the republic: NO. in one part of yesterday’s edition: NO. lunch from twelve to two: NO. a six-month guarantee: NO. the first door to the left: NO. danger, construction: NO. know your terror threshold: NO. hats checked free: NO. hunting season closed from march to september: NO. blood group o: NO. trainee wanted: NO. ocean view: NO. sentenced to death in absentia: NO. measurements 38, 24, 34: NO. before the treatment and after the treatment: NO. nonpotable water: NO. all credit cards accepted: NO. police checkpoint within five thousand yards: NO. because of unprecedented demand: NO. not on saturdays: NO. an unknown victim: NO. next teller please: NO. two to three teaspoonfuls a day: NO. danger: NO. no dining car: NO. from our catalogue: NO. the fifty-second week!: NO. wet paint: NO. open all day today: NO. no cartoons due to the unusual length of the feature: NO. extra: NO. moved, address unknown: NO. only on weekdays: NO. against asthma attacks: NO. platform one: NO. addressee unknown: NO. one-way street: NO. insect repellent: NO. no more war: NO. reserved for women and children: NO. in the tenth round: NO. volunteers step forward: NO. in case of emergency: NO. to the turnpike: NO. towelettes twenty-five cents: NO. this establishment is being struck: NO. freedom for: NO. the penalty is increased by one sleepless night a month plus solitary confinement in complete darkness on the anniversary of the crime: NO.

  lights out!: NO. enter!: NO. softly!: NO. thanks!: NO. present!: NO. heads up!: NO. to everyone!: NO. first name!: NO. beginning today!: NO. next!: NO. watch out!: NO. after, you, please!: NO. profession!: NO. never!: NO. unfortunately!: NO. to the showers!: NO. wanted!: NO. until further notice!: NO. by the neck!: NO. hand it over!: NO. shut the door!: NO. undress!: NO. as of now!: NO. down!: NO. go on!: NO. sit!: NO. back!: NO. inri!: NO. bravo!: NO. hands up!: NO. eyes closed!: No. smoke!: NO. into the corner!: NO. psst!: NO. aha!: NO. lie!: NO. hands on the table!: NO. up against the wall!: NO. no ifs, ands or buts!: NO. neither forward nor backward!: NO. yes!: NO. no delay!: NO. stretch out!: NO. no stopping!: NO. stop!: NO. fire!: NO. I’m drowning!: NO. ah!: NO. ouch!: NO. no!: NO. hello!: NO. holy!: NO. holy holy holy!: NO. over here!: NO. shut up!: NO. hot!: NO. air!: NO. hiss!: NO. water!: NO. away!: NO. emergency!: NO. never again!: NO. mortal danger!: NO. alarm!: NO. red!: NO. heil!: NO. light!: NO. behind!: NO. don’t!: NO. there!: NO. here!: NO. upstairs!: NO. go!: NO.
NO. NO:

  help?: YES!

  help?: YES!

  help?: YES!

  helYESpYEShelYESpYEShelYESpYEShelYESpYEShelYESpYEShelp

  help

  Translated by Michael Roloff

  My Foot My Tutor

  What, I say, my foot my tutor?

  –SHAKESPEARE, The Tempest

  The curtain opens.

  It is a sunny day.

  In the back of the stage we see, as the stage backdrop, the façade of a farmhouse.

  The stage is not deep.

  The left side of the stage, from our vantage point, shows a view of a cornfield.

  The right side of the stage, from our vantage point, is formed by a view of a large beetfield.

  Birds are circling above both fields.

  In front of the farmhouse we see a peculiar, longish object and ask ourselves what it might represent.

  A rubber coat, black, covers the object partially; yet it does not fit like a glove, and so we cannot recognize what the object represents onstage.

  To the right of the picture of the farmhouse door, from our vantage point, we notice a wooden block with a hatchet in it in front of a window; or rather, a large piece of wood is lying on the block, which is not quite level on the ground, and a hatchet is sticking in the piece of wood. Round about the chopping block we notice many pieces of chopped wood, and also, of course, chips and splinters, strewn about the stage floor.

  On the chopping block, next to the large piece of wood with the hatchet sticking in it, we notice a cat: while the curtain opens the cat probably raises its head and subsequently does what it usually does, so that we recognize: the cat represents what it does.

  Upon first glance, we have seen someone sitting next to the chopping block, on a stool: a figure.

  Now, after having briefly taken in the other features of the stage, we turn back to this figure sitting on a stool in the sunshine in front of the picture of the house.

  He—the figure is that of a male—is dressed in rural garb: that is, he is wearing blue coveralls over his pants; his shoes are heavy; on top, the person is wearing only an undershirt.

  No tattoos are visible on his arms.

  The person wears no covering on his head.

  The sun is shining.

  It is probably not necessary to mention explicitly that the person squatting on the stool in front of the picture of the house is wearing a mask. This mask covers half of his face—the upper part, that is—and is immobile. It represents a face which, moreover, evinces an expression of considerable glee, within limits, of course.

  The figure on the stage is young—some recognize that this figure probably represents the ward.

  The ward has his legs stretched out in front of him.

  We see that he is wearing hobnail boots.

  The ward is holding the underside of his right knee with his left hand; the right leg, in contrast to the left, is slightly bent.

  We see that the ward is leaning with his back against the backdrop representing the house wall.

  In his right hand the figure is holding a rather large yellow apple. Now that the curtain has opened and is open, the figure brings the apple to his mouth.

  The ward bites into the apple, as if no one were watching.

  The apple does not crunch especially, as if no one were listening.

  The picture as a whole exudes something of the quality of what one might call profound peacefulness.

  The ward eats the apple, as if no one were watching.

  (If you make a point to watch, apples are often eaten with a good deal of affectation.)

  The figure thus consumes the apple, not particularly slowly, not particularly quickly.

  The cat does what it does. If it should decide to leave the stage, no one should stop it from doing so.

  If at first we paid too much attention to the figure, we now have sufficient time to inspect the other objects and areas (see above).

  Can one gather from the manner in which the ward consumes the apple that he enjoys dependent status? Actually not.

  Because we have been looking so intently, we have almost overlooked that the figure has already finished eating the apple. Nothing unusual has occurred during this process, the figure has no unusual way of consuming apples, perhaps a few seeds have fallen on the floor; chickens are not in evidence.

  Now it’s the second apple’s turn.

  To accomplish this, the ward stretches out his right leg completely, and with his left hand reaches under the coveralls into the right pocket of his pants. Obviously he is not making out too well.

  He couldn’t reach into the pocket with his right hand, however, since he would have to lean back to do so but sits too near the wall to be able to lean back as far as he would have to.

  He slides forward with the stool and leans back against the picture of the wall: no, the upper and lower parts of his body are still at too much of an angle for his hand to be able to do what it wants to do.

  The pause is noticeable.

  The ward stands up and while he stands reaches into his pants pocket and easily extracts the apple.

  While still in the process of sitting down, he bites into the apple.

  With his bottom the ward shoves the stool closer to the wall of the house again and assumes a similar, though not precisely the same, position as the initial one; the cat moves or does not move, the ward eats.

  From behind the cornfield backdrop—from our vantage point, the left—a second figure emerges, the warden, judging from all visible evidence: rubber boots covered with mud up to the knee, gray work pants, a checkered shirt (white & blue) with rolled-up sleeves, tattoos on his arms, an open collar, a mask covering the upper half of his face, a hat with a pheasant feather stuck in it, an insignia on the hat, a carpenter’s pencil behind his ear, a very big pumpkin in front of his stomach.

  Now that the warden has entered the stage, we see that the backdrop representing the cornfield consists of many small movable parts which are falling back into their original positions … the cornfield is calming down, the birds are again circling on one and the same spot.

  The warden sees the ward.

  The warden steps up close and takes a look at the ward.

  The ward is quietly eating his apple.

  The warden’s watching the ward drags on.

  Gradually, as we watch, the eating of the apple also begins to drag on.

  The longer the warden watches the ward, the more the eating of the apple is drawn out.

  When the warden has stared down the ward, the latter stops eating the apple.

  The pumpkin which the warden is holding in front of his stomach is, as we see, a real pumpkin.

  But we hardly notice this any more, for after the warden has outstared the ward and the ward has simultaneously ceased eating his apple, which is now lying oddly half-eaten in the ward’s hand, the stage is already becoming gradually dark. The scene is finished.

  A new scene now begins in the dark, we can hear it. What we hear is a loud, prerecorded breathing that is piped in over a loudspeaker. After a period of silence the loud breathing suddenly sets in, and it continues neither evenly louder nor softer but constantly wavering back and forth within its prescribed decibel range, in such a manner that we are made to think: now it will get louder and louder and become the loudest possible breathing, but at this point it suddenly becomes quite soft again, and we think: now the breathing is about to stop altogether, when it suddenly becomes loud again, and in fact far louder than what we consider natural breathing. It is “like” the strongly amplified breathing of an old man, but not quite; on the other hand, it is “like” the strongly amplified breathing of a wild animal that has been cornered, but not quite, either; it is “voracious,” “frightened,” “ominous,” but not quite; at times it seems to signify someone’s “death throes” to us, but somehow it doesn’t either because it appears to change location constantly. In the Italian spy film The Chief Sends His Best Man (with Stewart Gr
anger and Peter van Eyck, directed by Sergio Sollima) there is a sequence in which an apartment—which someone has entered and in which he has found his dead friend—suddenly becomes dark; after a few moments of quiet the aforementioned breathing suddenly becomes audible all over the room, and for such a long time and so intensively that the intruder, in his desperation, start’s shooting and jumps up from behind his chair, whereupon he is shot and the lights are turned on—a young man stands above him, a small tape recorder in his hand, which he now switches off, whereupon the “hideous” breathing stops: that is the kind of breathing that is meant here, without the same consequences, of course—as suddenly as it started, it stops again after a certain time.